


The suicide diary

by Zoexcupcakes



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Cuban Lance (Voltron), Diary/Journal, Falling In Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mystery, Questions, Secret Identity, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 14:07:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10788243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoexcupcakes/pseuds/Zoexcupcakes
Summary: While searching late  for books for one of his school projects, Keith found a strage notebook. It seemed faded and its cover was full of dust. His curiosity pushed him to open it. What it contained was a sad story of an unknown writer. Keith thinks that it is just an attempt at writing, a casual story stared because of boredom. What the black-haired boy doesn't know is that its secrets are more dark than they seem and this notebook could easily be the key to freedom from this unknown person's hell. Does he open the gate or it's already too late?





	1. Pilot chapter

Pilot chapter: First page

Notes:  
I'll start by posting the first three chapters this week (the first one is shorter than the others). This story doesn't have an art part but if anyone wants to do something inspired by it please give me credit and if you want I can post it in here.  
That being said, I hope you enjoy the story and if you do please leave a comment. :)

 

 

  "If you ever find this, I hope you like reading because it will take quite a while. I also hope that you are not like me, but if you are, this may help you not to make the choices I made or I will make.  
     To start this, we need to settle some rules. At the end of every 'chapter' I'll write a date. If the last one is let's say underlined that means the story is finished. If not, well, that means I'll have to continue writing so please do not exit the library while you read it and do NOT take photographs of it. Just read, maybe take some notes, then put it exactly where you found it. I'll come once a week to write something new and no, I won't mention when.  
       Now that we settled that, I think is the time to start the story. I won't tell you my name because at some point you'll want to find me and I can't let that happen. So you can call me however you want. Of course I won't share the names of my friends and family or the way I look so just pay attention to the important things. Since this is the first part of my 'tale' I'm going to introduce you to my life.  
         It all started a few years ago. At that time I was in the middle school. My family wasn't exactly the  richest but we had anything we needed and we loved each other so much. Everything was fine until, in the eight grade, I came out of the closet to my parents. Having a bisexual son wasn't the best news someone could get. My mother was a little bit shocked at first but she accepted me as I was. My father, on the other hand, wasn't as openminded as my Mum. We argued, he beat me, Mum cried, I ended up with a dark eye, end of the discussion.  
          Soon after, Mum got very sick. Her eyesight worsened by day. We took her to hospital and there we received the news: she had eye cancer."  
          Keith stopped reading. The page was tained in some places, sign that someone wrote this while crying. He felt really bad for the one who wrote this, even though he believed it was just a story invented by an anonim author.  
           The dark- haired boy wanted to read more but the library was close to its closing hours so he took the ladder and put the improvised book back on the top of the shelf where he found it.  
            Keith quickly got out of the library only taking the books he needed for school. On his way home he couldn't stop thinking about the so-called book he had found. The writing wasn't messy at all which surprised him, considering the fact that it is supposed to be written by a boy. This realisation made him more confident about his previous statement. The story was clearly invented. Even so, it made him curious. The person who started it was a little bit bold and bossy.  
            He immediately thought about Allura, but the idea was thrown away. She was to kind to start such a story. She liked animals and flowers and glitter. Also the coincidence of her being the writer was a bit too much to be real. Keith decided to be objective. None of his friends was able to write that. Pidge would digitally type, Hunk was too soft for it, Lance would write some fantasy or SF and Shiro was just to busy to write.  
All the way home Keith thought about the notebook. Its dusted pages were all over his mind. He wondered if the story was finished and then he damned himself for not looking at the date. As he changed in his pyjamas, a baggy T-shirt and some overused shorts, he imagined what was supposed to happen. Or, more exactly, what he expected to happen. The mother was going to die for sure. The boy will be depressed. The father will live and all the worlds problems will be on the boy's shoulders.  
"Cliché..." he said for himself. He was a bit heartless but it seemed ok because it was just a stupid story. None of it was real. He kind of assured himself of that, but a part of him was considerate of the possibility of it being real.  
He shoved the thought in the corner of his mind and put his head on the soft pillow. Even though it was the most quiet night he had had in the past months he could barely close his eyes. He just stared in the dark until it wasn't dark anymore.


	2. Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally cried while writing this so I won't tell you anything. Just try to imagine what is happening (that way it gives you x10 more feels). Have a nice sobbing.
> 
> More notes at the end.

Morning wasn't exactly Keith's favourite time of the day, especially when he hadn't slept all night. He got out of the bed and collapsed on the floor. It was cold and it matched perfectly his heated skin. He sighed with relief  when the silance dominated again.  
       
         His eyelashes felt so heavy and he was already floating in the void of his mind when his head was hit, hard, causing him unimaginable pain. He let out an infuriated cry as he was holding his head with his both hands. It felt like it was going to crack open in any second.  
   
          "Keith? What are you doing on the floor?"  Shiro's confused voice, as soft as it was, made Keith growl.  
  
          The younger boy got up massaging his head. His face showing a mix of anger, pain, lack of sleep and pure irritation.  
  
           "Why so early, Shiro?" He murmured jumping back under the covers. Despite his urge of some good sleep, Keith couldn't ignore that his big brother actually burst into his room just to wake him up. This hadn't happened  in good years.  
  
            "Early in the morning? Keith, it's noon!" Shiro announced in a slightly concerned voice.  
  
            "What? Why didn't you wake me sooner?" Keith jumped out of his comfortable bed and sprinted for the bathroom. His morning routine was finished within minutes. A personal record, Keith noted for himself.  
  
            Just when his brother looked at him smiling devilishly Keith stopped his running. Shiro continued to smile then suddenly burst in laughter. The situation was confusing and with all of his thoughts spread around Keith was taken aback by Shiro's reaction.  
  
           "What's the matter? Why're you laughing?"  
  
           "It's just 7:30 am!" Shiro said wiping tears from his eyes. "You never wake up on time so I decided to play a prank on you!"  
  
          "You decided?" Keith asked sarcastically. "What about your girlfriend? She is usually the one with plans."  
  
           "Allura is not my girlfirend!" Shiro protested as a dark shade of pink coloured his face and neck.  
  
           "Why do you think I was referring to Allura?" A wicked smirk crept on Keith's face. He enjoyed the view of his brother struggling to find the right words while he was redder than a tomato.  
  
           "School! Now!" Shiro said through his perfect teeth.  
  
            "But school doesn't start until 8:30!" Keith protested.  
  
             "I don't care! I am the adult here, you do what I say!" His brother stood his ground, dispite him being still a blushing mess, pointing at the door.  
  
            Keith sighed in defeat and dragged his body out of the main door after taking an apple from the friut bowl. Shiro used to be nore fun when he firs met Allura. They needed new jokes.  
  
            He decided to spend his hour at the library. He needed to see, to read, to know. He was almost afraid of this sudden curiosity. Keith didn't usually ask more than necessary, but now, his head was a total mess and he didn't even finish the first chapter.  
  
            At the library's entrance Keith bumped into someone. He was going to fall on the stairs behind him, but it never happened. Long and soft fingers were wrapped around his wrists. The dark-grey eyes watched a few inches above and met blue oceans. For a second the time stopped. No sound or move could disturb their connection.  
           The fingers were cold as ice and the eyes piercing and intense like a storm. The taller boy broke the silance letting go of Keith's wrists.  
  
          "Sorry, bud!" Lance said in a husky voice. It was so deep and strange, it made Keith's heart pound louder than it already did.  
  
         "No! It was my fault!" He replied just to break the awkward silance which was settling between them. "Something wrong?" He asked after seeing Lance's appearance.  
  
         The tan boy wore thight jeans, a hoodie which seemed to have been taken from the floor and white Converse with different coloured laces. His face wasn't any better. His usual glow was now faded and he had bags under his eyes. And the worst of all: his hair was messy.  
This didn't bother Keith at all. He actually liked it, but it was so not-Lance.  
  
      "Yeah!" Lance responded after a moment of silance. "Yeah... Just couldn't sleep last night. School stress, y'know?" He casually smiled.  
  
       Something wasn't good. He wanted to ask more, but Lance excused himself and ran down the street. If Keith wasn't confused enough by now, after Lance he was sure something was off and he wanted to find out so badly.  
  
        "First things first..." He said quietly as he entered the library. Even though he tried to focus he still felt Lance's grip like a burning mark on his skin.  
  
         The smell of old books and dust filled his lungs. Not his favourite fragrance but he could bare it. With quick steps he headed to the back rows of shelves. He took the ladder and reached for the notebook.  
  
          Keith's hands were shaky but he opened the notebook very careful. The pages were the same so he supposed that it had stayed untouched. So wrong he was. He didn't pay attention to the details and went straight  (not so much) for the part of story he hadn't finiahed.  
    
  
           "After my family received the diagnosis we insisted starting medication. So there we were, me, Dad and my siblings, all having jobs. Any kind of job we could find. We all stayed by Mum's side so we all got the chance to see her losing her eyesight. The irony in this sentence is so cruel and painful that I am disgusted about myself - not like is something new.  
            
           The medication worked for a while, but the doctor had never given us what we wanted to hear. He told us that the disease had been spreading too fast. He gave her two months.  
      
           I hope you can imagine how sorrowful it was for us to count days. She never knew. We didn' tell her. We couldn't. She had thought she was finally going to be fine. Even today I still blame myself for being so selfish. All I ever wanted was to keep a smile on ger face.  
  
            Those months had passed way too fast. She was lying in the bed. So beautiful and peaceful. She looked like an angel. I had been holding her hand for too long to remember, but I can't forget how she squeezed my hand and turned her face towards me. She looked at me, it doesn't matter she was blind, and I was lost. I felt like a child, unable to do anything, because so I was.  
  
             I wanted to tell her how much I love her, to hug her and never let her go. But she was already gone. I stayed like this for hours, pretending that she was still there and telling her about my crush and how after college I was going to take her around the world. The others had found me  like that. I had never felt so alone. It was so cold."  
  
   
          Keith paused reading. He had tears in his eyes. He knew how it was to lose a parent. His mother died to, but it was more peaceful. He accepted that. But this? He felt bad for the boy in the story. Damn it, he needed a hug himself. This chapter gave him chills. After a moment he started again just to finish it.  
  
  
  
          "And the worst part is, I had the chance to see her in her last moments, but she didn't see me. I know it wouldn't have changed anything, but is still drives me crazy every time I think about it. Life is such a bitch and I don't know how many times I'll let it fuck with me.  
  
                             February 23rd, 2017"  
  
  
              After finishing the first chapter he put the notebook back in its place. Keith was in a lot of uncomfortable situations, but this seemed different. He had a knot in his stomach and felt like he wanted to go cry with that boy or for him. He didn't know. He just felt like crying and this wasn't even his story.  
  
             He glanced at one of the clocks on the wall. His eyes widened.  
             
            "Shit!" He shouted so lout that he got shushed by a few people. "I'm so fucked!" He continued as he ran for the exit.  
  
            He had class in five minutes and it took him twenty minutes to get to school. When did the time pass?  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you hate me for doing this to Lance (Lance's family), you better know that I already hate myself so yeah... 
> 
> Anyway, if you liked this chapter please leave a comment below :)


	3. LANCE Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I am going through a really hard time and I am very busy. This plus my lack of inspiration. Enjoy this excuse of a chapter.

Keith found himself staring at a wall. If he thought his life was hard enough, now he oficially gave up. He just wanted to spend the rest of his life staring at that fucking wall until his eyes popped out off his skull. Okay, maybe he was exaggerating. He'll die of hunger or thirst before that. At least it was an option.

"Keith!" growled Pidge as they were hanging their arms on his shoulders. "Stop acting like a mad man!" They said poking at his shirt.

He didn't respond. He just continued staring at the wall letting the white colour wash his mind. He wasn't overreacting. Was he? I mean, all people come late to their chemistry class and on their way to the seat spill substances. It happens. What does not happen is blowing up the freacking lab. Well, blowing up is not the best explanation. It was more like smoke. No fire, but damn it sure there were alarms there.

"Come on! Speak! Blink! Do something!" Pidge yelled in an exasperated voice. "It's been A WEEK since then!"

"I blew up the THE SCHOOL, PIDGE! THE SCHOOL!" Keith snaps so suddenly it makes Pidge jump and fall on the floor. 

"Technically speaking, you didn't 'blow up', you intoxicated with dense smoke. And, sadly, it was just the chemistry lab." They sigh. Pidge look at him with concern and pet him on the back. "I know you got suspended and stuff, but just calm down. It's not like you are the first one who almost burnt that prison."

"And that's exactly why you are not allowed near flammable materials or matches or anything linked in some way to heat in general." He responds with a blank expression which is compromised by his playful tone. 

"There always is a way..." they mutter, but is, of course, loud enough for Keith to burst in laughter. He feels better.

Since the lab incident Shiro has locked him in the house. He wasn't allowed to go out the perimeter of the apartment they lived in. He even went that far as making a schedule for visitors. This added to all the housework he was given to do as punishment.

Usually Pidge was the one who brought him his lessons and homework but on special occasions they sent Allura, who was always invited for dinner. Both Shiro and her had short conversations filled with moments of awkwardness which Keith fully enjoyed. He even took blackmail photos. What could be better?

Once the 'visiting hours' were finshed, Pidge packed their stuff and left. He felt bad being alone. During this week Pidge had been his distraction from his own thoughts, but now he was on a cliff wondering in the abyss.

He couldn't talk to Shiro, because he reminded him of old and painful times. Don't get it worg. It's not like he doesn't love Shiro, because he does and Shiro is the only family he has. The fact that he was imprisoned in his house, mostly alone, made Keith realise some things.

First of all, he thought about that stupid notebook. No matter how much he wanted to believe the story was pure imagination, he couldn't. It was not detailed, the action was in a compete rush and the strains of tears on the page didn't make sense. The hypothesis of it being planned as a heartbreaking story slowly faded away. He concluded the story was real.

Then, after thinking about the story, he somehow remembered his mother. Saddness filled his chest and horrible images flooded his mind. The night of the accident, the car, the collision, the sound. Darkness. Artificial light. He was at that damned hospiat, connected to different machines with coloured lines and repetitive 'bip'-s. He was scared. Then he was told what had happened... and the consequences.

When Shiro came back home he found Keith lying on the floor, hugging a pillow and crying with hiccups. It took an ice cream box and some cat videos to make Keith calm down. He hadn't had a mental breakdown since being adopted by Shiro's family. He still remembers his own shock when they treated him like a human being. He cried at that time, but it was because he felt happy.

After manly cuddling with Shiro on the sofa he got up and walked back to his room. It was already past noon, but he didn't feel like eating. Instead, Keith opened a drawer and took out a pencil and some random paper. He drew lines. Line after line, not arranged in a specific way, filled the page. Just lines.

In no time the white paper turned gray and black. The lines were not lines anymore. A pair of angel wings was formed from the remaining blank spaces. Keith didn' t know why he drew them, but they were nice. While staring at them he felt a bunch af feelings hitting him: self-pride, happiness, calm, but he also felt a weird uneasiness, an urge of discovering something. Keith didn't need to question it too much. He knew exactly what that something was. The boy was thinking again about the story.

 

***

 

"Sorry, pal! Not today!" said Lance wearing his cocky grin. When did Keith sign up for this bullshit? He DIDN'T! He was so pissed off right now that he could punch a wall, or a face, preferably Lance's. Anything to wipe that shit eating grin off was welcomed. The situation wasn't that irritating, but Lance... he was a different story. They had been put together by a professor. Fine. They had an assignment due to the next week. Awesome. Lance kept procrastinating. Well... fuck it! Usually Keith would procrastinate too, but this time he had serious business to handle. It's been two weeks since he hadn't went to the library and he became kind of desperate. Lance was clearly not helping.

"And why not?" answered Keith after glaring murderously at the tan boy. Lance did not seem affected by it, instead he just put his arms above his head and began stretching and yawning like he just woke up. He wasn't stressed at all because he knew his theme project like the back of his hand: Biggest Mysteries Of History. Lance was usually not interested, but writing about Atlantis or Mayans or greek gods really was his cup of tea. He asked the professor if they could write about aliens, but the answer was, tragically, no.

"Because today is my 'Lance Day'!" huffed the taller boy like it was the most obvious thing in the Universe. 

"What's this so-called 'Lance Day'?" asked Keith suspiciously and kind of bored. He was already expecting Lance to say something stupid or make a joke.

"It is the only day of week which is dedicated to myself. Monday is for Pidge and their mad theories and treating the lack of sleep they suffer from, Tuesday is for Hunk and our bro time, Wednesday is for Allura and her psychology studies on human interaction, Thursday is for Shiro's workout and diet and also helping him aproach some aspects of his new prosthetic, Friday which is today is MINE, but I can meet with you tomorrow or Sunday if Coran gives up on the hair care routine." Lance said smiling. 

It was a small simle and it was so cute and so rare on the boy's face that it made Keith stare. He surely didn't expect that. He was more used to the cocky and loud Lance than to the shy and modest one. He also didn't realise how busy Lance's schedule actually was. Keith mainly thought that he was just hanging out, but it was so shocking to find out that Lance was... organised.

"Well... can I have some of your 'Lance Day'?" Keith said bashfully.

"What's that Mullet? Trying to invade my personal time? I didn't know that you wanted to be alone with moi so badly." laughed Lance winking at Keith. Yep, Lance was back.

Keith just rolled his eyes and tried to hide the redness that was making its way to his ears. Why was he acting like a highschool girl?

"Fine! Then Saturday will do too!" Keith huffed in annoyance and walked away, letting Lance grin like an idiot that he is.

 

***

 

"Lance! Where the fuck are you?" Shouted Keith in the phone. It's been three hours since they were supposed to meet, but apparently somebody didn't know how to properly read a clock. Keith didn't know why he was so upset. He kind of knew it would be like this.

"Don't worry! I'm on my way! I won't let you down, too!" said the other boy. His voice was rushed and husky, quick breaths escaped his throat showing that Lance was running. Keith didn't cancel the phone call. The sound of cars and people shouting made him realise that Lance was actually pushing people from his way, maybe crossing the street in forbidden places. An uneasiness built its way to Keith's chest and a knot was forming in his throat. Was Lance putting himself in danger just to come and make a stupid project? Although, that didn't excuse the fact that he was late.

"Keith?!" a loud voice distracted him. He didn't realise that Lance had been saying his name this all time. "Dude! What's the number of your apartment?" continued Lance, this time his voice being quieter and softer.

"77..." answered the boy. Keith felt nervous. His plams were sweating and he kept changing his position. He also felt excited. It was kind of unusual. Yes, he had never worked with Lance before and he was curious of how bad this could get. 

A loud knok made Keith jump in surprise. He was so deep in his thoughts of anticipation that he let himself forget that Lance was coming. The boy wasted no time and opened the door. First, he saw those piercing blue eyes, then the tan and smooth skin. When he noticed Lance's clothes, something disconnected in his brain. Keith's eyes widened and his jaw dropped so low that he could feel the floor. 

"What happened, mulletman?" grinned Lance. His face was tired and he hoped that his eyes were not as puffy as he felt them. He threw Keith a questioning look waiting for an answer.

All that Keith could do was stare at the taller boy. The unexpected choice of clothing caught him off guard. It was the first time Keith had seen Lance completely dressed in black. He wore thight jeans that made his legs look ridiculously sexy, a shirt unbuttoned at the first two buttons and over it there was an elegant jacket. His usual colourful bracelets were now replaced by black ones. The only thing that brought colour to his appearance was a bright blue lion head sewed on the chest pocket of his jacket. Keith was amazed. Lance looked hot, more than usual. But of course Keith won't say that out loud.

"Wow!" was the only sound that left Keith's mouth. Lance winked at him and showed a full cocky grin that Keith was so used to. The only difference was that, this time it made Keith's chest tighten so painfully and it filled him with a warm feeling. He put the blame on his previous shock.

"Let's get to work!" said Lance walking past Keith and throwing his bag on the coffee table. "I'm all yours." 

Too distracted with finding the needed books, Lance didn't noticed the way Keith swallowed loudly and exhaled. At least Keith hoped so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this story will be shorter than I have planned.


End file.
